The personal and PRIVATE diary of Lily Evans
by missgoldensnidget
Summary: Lily Evans kept an diary of her life, from the day she turned ten, to the day she died. Harry Potter doesn't know it, but there's a copy of it in his Gringotts vault.
1. Oct 27,28 1981

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize. It all belongs to J K Rowling, and I'm just borrowing it because I can't get it out of my head.  
  
Here are entries out of Lily Potter's diary. This fic is mainly written in support of other stories which are slowly working their way out of my head and onto the screen, so it may skip around a lot in her life. The first entries I'll be posting are the last few days before her death, then I'll go back to when she first started keeping a diary.  
  
Any unconscionable delays in posting will be noted on my profile, as I hate adding a chapter with nothing but an author's note in it, and getting peoples hopes up prematurely.  
  
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The personal and PRIVATE diary of Lily Evans  
  
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October 27th, 1981  
  
Sirius came over tonight with more bad news. I can't believe little Jenny is gone. She was barely twenty-two, and now she's gone forever. It's not FAIR. Who does Voldemort think he is? She was just a child, what did she ever do to him? I just can't...  
  
As hard as this is for me to take in, it's been much harder on Sirius. When he showed up today, he couldn't even get the words out, finally just handing over a copy of the Daily Prophet. I think a part of him was hoping that as long as he didn't admit it, it wouldn't be true. Instead he was raving about the fidelius charm and its drawbacks, and saying he couldn't do it much longer. I knew when we asked him to do this how much we were asking, but Sirius as usual didn't stop to think. Jenny was furious at him when she found out he'd agreed to do it, for the risk he was taking, not realizing he was going to go into hiding himself. He tried to tell her, but Jen never did let anyone else get a word in when she was angry. So she stormed out, and he had to leave before she came back, leaving just a letter behind to explain things.  
  
And now she's gone, and he'll never have the chance to explain, to apologize, and it's tearing him apart. I don't know how to help him, to make him see she'd never have blamed him. I can tell James feels as helpless as I do. Hiding like this, letting our friends face the danger for us chafes on him even more so than me. But what else can we do?  
  
James insisted Padfoot stay here tonight, going so far as to take away his wand when he tried to leave. It's better this way, he's in no condition to apparate, but he didn't stop pacing the floor for hours, and even then he only stopped because Harry was starting to get upset. James settled him on the couch with Harry and I slipped some dreamless sleep into his tea. I know he'll be furious in the morning, but he looks like he hasn't slept since he heard the news, and it'd do no one any good for him to pass out from exhaustion. James thought he had when he just collapsed. When I told him what I'd done, he just smiled and said he'd leave me to face the music alone in the morning. And I know I'll have to, but it'll be worth it. We still need to get the whole story out of him, I'm sure there's more than was published.  
  
October 28th, 1981  
  
Sirius was more coherent this morning, after he stopped shouting at me for drugging him. Which of course wasn't until after he got Harry angry at me for upsetting his Pafoo. We got the whole story, and the reasoning behind his rants from him, but I almost wish we hadn't. No wonder Padfoot can't sleep, after seeing Jen like that. And Jay too.  
  
But worst of all is that the Death Eaters should never have known they were there. With the research she and Jay were working on, only a select few knew where they were. According to Sirius, Dumbledore is now more certain than ever that one of the Marauders has turned. I still can't believe it, but with this latest news, Sirius is starting to think he might be right. I think he's just looking for someone to blame. He and James got into a shouting match today, with James insisting that he and Sirius would both turn before Remus would even consider it, and Sirius claiming that Wormtail would never have been able to hide it from them if he'd betrayed them, so it must be Remus.  
  
Personally, I think they're both right. Remus is the gentlest person I've ever met. He abhors violence of all kinds, and could never enjoy hurting someone. And all you ever had to do was look Peter in the eye to see if he was telling the truth. He was always the one the ask to find out what the Marauders were planning next, because he couldn't keep a straight face. Not that he'd tell you what they were planning, but if you asked the right questions you could piece together the truth from his reactions. But he'd never have been able to hide something as big as this, not from those who know him best. Which still leaves the question of what we're missing. Because he's finding our plans out SOMEhow, and if it's not a spy, then how is he doing it?  
  
However he's doing it, I think Sirius's new idea is a good one, but I hate to use it. I'm sure no one will think that we'd trust Peter as our secret keeper, when everyone knows he couldn't tell a convincing lie to save his life. But that won't matter, because if everything goes right, he won't have to tell anyone anything, because he'll be hidden away where no one can find him, and not even Sirius will know where he is, only Dumbledore. He'll probably travel to wherever he's going as a rat, just to be sure no one finds him. We won't even tell Dumbledore or Moony about the switch until Wormtail is safely gone.  
  
The problem with the plan, the reason James fought with Padfoot over it for hours today, is that it leaves Siri out there as bait. Like I said before, Peter is the one to pressure if you want the truth. Therefore if Siri goes into hiding as originally planned, then they'll look for Wormtail to find out where he is, and when they can't find him, they might start to suspect what we've done. So Siri will have to remain visible enough to be the primary target. Siri kept trying to laugh off James's concern, insisting he could stay ahead of any number of death eaters. But then James would point out that if Sirius was so sure of that, he wouldn't be worried in the first place. It finally ended with Padfoot yelling that he knew that they'd catch him some day anyway, and that if he had to die, he'd rather do so knowing that his death wasn't for nothing and that we still had a chance. James persisted that he wasn't willing to trade his life for Padfoot's, and Sirius just said that he had so much more to live for. James countered by asking why Padfoot was so willing to die for him, when he wasn't willing to live for him. At that point, Padfoot just said he was late for work and would be back tomorrow with Peter and slammed the door behind him.  
  
So of course, James spent the next hour muttering about how Padfoot never listened, and Harry spent the next hour crying because his daddy and his Pafoo were upset. Needless to say, by the time James calmed down enough to admit it will be nice to see Peter, I had a splitting headache, and ended up joining Harry in his afternoon nap. Somehow, we didn't get much work done today.  
  
I worry about Peter, I think this war's been hardest on him. His whole family's gone now, and the rest of the marauders were to busy to help him pick up the pieces after his mum died. James and I have been hit just as hard, but we have each other and Harry to cheer us up, and Sirius has his job, but Peter's alone now, and it's changed him. You can see it in his eyes. Remus has come out of this the best thus far, but that' s probably only because Voldemort hasn't figured out yet that he'll never sell out his friends. I don't even want to think about what will happen when he does.  
  
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Auhor's Notes: For those of you who are confused, Jenelee (Jen) Prewett is Sirius's current girlfriend, and Jaidin (Jay) is her older brother. Since this is a diary, Lily wouldn't be explaining these things, though they will be introduced in earlier entries. They will not, however take over from the cannon characters. And yes, this story will introduce a number of original characters in bit parts, and a few in more pivotal roles, simply because a young girls life cannot revolve completely around her sister, her teachers and five boys, who are the only characters we've met from Lily's time at Hogwarts. 


	2. Oct 29,30 1981

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize. It all belongs to J K Rowling, and I'm just borrowing it because I can't get it out of my head.  
  
Here are entries out of Lily Potter's diary. This fic is mainly written in support of other stories which are slowly working their way out of my head and onto the screen, so it may skip around a lot in her life. The first entries I'll be posting are the last few days before her death, then I'll go back to when she first started keeping a diary.  
  
Any unconscionable delays in posting will be noted on my profile, as I hate adding a chapter with nothing but an author's note in it, and getting peoples hopes up prematurely.  
  
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The personal and PRIVATE diary of Lily Evans  
  
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October 29th, 1981  
  
Sirius came by this morning as promised, but he didn't bring Peter with him. Apparently he wasn't there when Padfoot stopped by this morning. James had calmed down by then, but I know he still doesn't like the idea much. Siri convinced him to try it, so long as Peter agreed, and Siri left soon after agreeing to bring Peter with him tomorrow night. I wish he could have stayed longer, since there are still too many decisions up in the air, but he's been spending too much time here as it is. There's no point in being hidden from everyone but Sirius if they just follow Sirius to us and blow up the house.  
  
As much as James agreed to the plan, I know he still doesn't like it. But Sirius is right, that it's his life to risk if he wants to. But I hate this, and I'm terrified of what James will do if Sirius dies. Those two are closer than brothers, and I'm not sure that he'd ever be able to deal with the guilt of letting his best friend die for him, and not even trying to save him. Because if Sirius gets caught, James will be faced with the choice of trying to save him, and making his sacrifice meaningless, or sitting here safely protected while his best friend, his brother is tortured. It's just not the way James works. He's used to being the one protecting others. I wonder sometimes how James was ever talked into using this charm in the first place. Or how I was, for that matter. Neither of us are much for hiding in the shadows.  
  
But the answer to that question is easy. All I have to do is look at Harry and know that both James and I would give anything we had to protect him, and count it a fair trade.  
  
On another note, we got a little more work done today. James still isn't having too much luck with the potion, but I'm starting too understand the dimensions of the charm, and how it would need to be stabilized and positioned. The magnitude of it is staggering, but perhaps not impossible. I was discussing the connections between the power flow from the castor and the innate power of the recipient with James when this light went on behind his eyes, and he started muttering at that parchment about the properties of salamander skin, and how the dragon's blood would react if it were first transfigured into unicorn blood. I lost track of what he was saying after that, except the parts where he was cursing at Siri and Remy for not being there and making him look up his own answer's, but he's still at it. I figure he'll either keep at it until he gets all of what he's thinking about down on paper, or until Siri arrives tomorrow night. Unfortunately, I'm betting on the latter, because I don't think he can quite grasp what he is thinking about.  
Somehow, when I accepted that proposal two years ago, I didn't anticipate being married to a mad scientist.  
I'm going to sleep. After all, someone will have to be awake tomorrow to take care of Harry.  
  
October 30th, 1981  
  
Well, that's done. In the end, James didn't even bother arguing, he just asked Pete if he was sure he was okay with this, and then told me redo the charm. The expression on Padfoot's face was priceless, especially when I reset the fidelius and we just faded out of existence in front of him. Then James demanded that Pete tell Siri where we were, and before Siri'd even had the chance to register our reappearance, James was already dragging him into the potion's lab and interrogating him about which properties would be reactive when using transfigured dragon's blood. Which really begs the question of how on earth you're supposed to create potions with transfigured ingredients, but then I remembered who I was thinking about, and decided I was better off not knowing. Even though I could swear I remember hearing that that sort of research was declared illegal because it was too dangerous and unpredictable. On second thought, that's probably why they got into it in the first place.  
Poor Peter though. He was just left standing there, completely confused. And a bit annoyed I think, not that I'd blame him if he was. James does have a habit of ignoring everyone and everything else when he's this deep into one of his plots. I tried explaining to Peter that he'd had one of his ideas last night, and had been waiting for Siri to show up to answer some of his questions ever since. I'm not sure though, how much Peter accepted that explanation. Actually, I'm not even sure how much sense it made because I'm well beyond exhausted at this point.  
James never did come to bed last night, and Harry woke me up before the sun came up this morning wanting breakfast. Not that that would exhaust me so much, the problem is that I made the mistake of bringing some food into James so he could eat with Harry and I. Because I found James sound asleep on his desk, in danger of falling face first into a cauldron if he so much as twitched. So I had to put Harry down so I could reach over and haul James upright. And while I was busy convincing James to eat something before getting back to work, Harry decided, why I can't imagine, that the shredded wormwood sitting next to him looked much tastier than his own food, and I just barely noticed what he was doing before he ate them.  
James of course, found this highly amusing, even though our son almost ate something poisonous. I think I started ranting at him at that point, but honestly, whether or not wormwood looks edible, the thought of our son eating it is NOT FUNNY! Though I do admit I got a bit carried away. I didn't even notice when Harry decided to sample the extract of ?? Which is when James kicked me and Harry out of the room, reminding me that that's exactly why Harry's not allow in the lab, as if it were all *my* fault!  
Of course, it couldn't end there. Not when Harry is just as single- minded and curious as his father is. Not to mention just as good at getting places he not supposed to be, even if he can barely walk. It was after the eight time I turned around and found Harry on his way over to the potions lab, and the third time he actually made it into the room that James insisted I just leave him there. I wasn't about to agree to that when he was so completely distracted by whatever it is he was doing, but he wouldn't even listen to my arguments, just pushed me out of the room, the big oaf.  
It wasn't even five minutes later that I heard Harry screaming at the top of his lungs, and knew he'd gotten into something. I went running back into the lab only to find that blood man LAUGHING at my son again! And then he had the nerve to tell me to calm down! Ugh! Though I do have to admit, it worked. Once he got the taste of the horseradish out of his mouth, Harry showed absolutely no inclination to go back to the potions lab. Oh well, I suppose it takes a marauder to control one. And Harry is definitely James' son. I'm never quite sure whether to be glad or terrified by that fact. 


End file.
